What Gave Me A Panic Attack

It had been SUCH a long time since I had an anxiety attack!! I had one while Mom was still here and we had been sleep deprived for a week and I was hormonal... so I kinda asked for that one, plus we were staying up playing stimulating games of Settlers.. stimulating, late nights, hormones... the perfect storm. Well yesterday, I decided to, cut Isabelle's bangs...I was about to committ my own form of heresy. Bangs we'd been growing out since she was 3, long beautiful 8 inch or so, bangs... *sigh* but for a couple of months I had been toying with the idea but chickened out. I had a picture of a little girl with bangs from Parents magazine and I thought they were adorable, I showed Isabelle and she was all for it. It took me a long time to section it out, combing, deciding.. wondering if I should just let my hairdresser do this.. but I cut my own bangs all the time... so I cut a line across, it was not straight, and I felt a heatwave go over my body, thinking oh CRAP WHAT have I DONE?!!! So as I shaped and trimmed my edginess rose and began sweating, to the point I had to towel off my face, I looked like a sweaty faced Whitney Houston back when she actually was a singer and not a crack addict. I made an apt today with my hair girl, she really didn't have to do much and told me I actually didn't do a bad job and she's seen WAY worse....It IS nice that the poor thing no longer has hair dangling in her face, her hair wants to grow forward and all day I was always redoing the clip or what not, so that she wouldn't go around like Violet off of the Incredibles. I could send her to school, to recess, or soccer,without having one encumbered hand, holding her hair out of her face. It was nice to see her playing at the play area, no hair in her face. I talked to my brother on Skype last night and showed him before the salon fix and he said it looked adorable, that helped. In a month the bangs will be more what they were intended to be in the first place... thank goodness hair grows. So I ended up feeling wiped out over my change in brain chemistry that I inflicted upon myself and had a another attack in the night after a dream of me trying to escape these weird people's house. Heart pounding away. I am thankful that at least now they don't last nearly as long, maybe 1/8 what they were, but I am feeling the tired queasy today...the only upside to this is calorie reduction and a flatter stomach.

May Updates

Here are some MORE pics I took of our beloved lilac bush. :) And of the kids in their stylin' new sunglasses.

They had them 2 for 5$ at The Children's Place. Today Isabelle had her 4 year old check. Her stats are 39.25 inches tall and 34 lbs. Both 50%. The dr said her 5 year apt will be 3-4 shots, blood test for lead. It's going to SUCK!! The past 2 years she has thrashed enough they have to redo her flu shots. She trys to be strong up until that last second. So I don't know if anything short of a straight jacket is going to work for 3+ shots. Looks like Daddy will be along for that one. Other cute kid updates Christian has been singing Jesus loves me and today he did all this " Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong..." He can sing all the parts but usually he can't do them consecutively. And the potty training, ha ha ha YEAH gave up there for now. I kept catching him right after or right before. He says ow every time I put him on his winnie the pooh seat... if I asked him if he should go potty he said " again??.. oh boy"

We have fun things coming up this summer. Trevor (Mitch's bro) is getting married Aug 2nd and Mitch and I are going to meet Bethany ( Dan's girlfriend) in Chicago and stay at the marriot downtown for a night since she will be there for business training the week prior in June. We also get to meet her sister Kari who's husband goes to the same seminary our Pastor went to, she works there too (Al Mohler's). We'll be without the kids so that will be a fun little get away. We are looking forward to it!!!

Other random updates I keep forgetting, my thyroid was a little low in April so they upped my dose to 75 mcg. I felt like I put on a couple lbs I shouldn't have and they have finally come back off... I also had one small anxiety attack one month from when I had my last one. I felt kinda weird and less tolerant that evening but it was short lived. I'm not sure why. I held onto Mitch's arm in bed and prayed and tried to just focus and pray for my loved ones. I thought I am going to fight this!! I knew my mom could have them and they not last all night. So why it didn't last that long, I'm not sure why but I'm thankful for God's grace. Also just like last time, I was half-way through my cycle and the next day had some cramping which doesn't make sense since I'm on the pill. I also read in my book, Intended for Pleasure ( ha sorry discreet people) about pms and anxeity attacks being one of the symptoms and most women's worst pms is in their late 20's early 30's. I'm 28 so that makes sense. Anyway I am so thankful that they seem to be tapering off! It's random this verse has encouraged me lately If we are faithless, He remains faithful, He cannot deny Himself 2 Tim 2:13. It's easy to forget as time goes how much we need Him and things are going alright. Also random, last week I was thinking of the song My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness, I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholely lean on Jesus name, on Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand. I know it's referring to salvation but it still means a lot to me in my daily life, a reminder of where my strength and hope to get through life's issues is supposed to come. I find myself weaning my self from close close communion with the Lord when life gets back to "normal" again. Such a natural thing to do just like another hymn says Prone to wonder Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. The Christian life is a struggle to keep our eyes where they need to be. It's so easy to get caught up and fill my life with things that will burn and won't amount to anything in the end. Anyway back to the solid rock song I was thinking on last week, well the following Sunday we sang it in church. I love those special little bonuses from the Lord.

Isabelle Audrey is 4!

My first baby turned 4 May, 4th. She was born May, 2004 at... I think 8:48 am. She was 4 days past due and weighed 7 lbs. 7 oz and was 19 inches long. We had her birthday at Grandma Linda's, we didn't know what the farming schedule would be and we thought it would be easier to have it down there and that way Grandma Irene and Grandpa Dean could come too. Her favorite present was probably her umbrella from us. She got lots of clothes, dress up stuff, light up flip flops, a Dora hot wheels thing that we have taken on walks. She is learning to write her letters and her name, but S is challenging for her. She also is learning the sounds. She loves to cook. She and Daddy planted some green beans this weekend, like I say, she is a helper. We also call her Mom Jr. since she is always mothering Christian which is convenient a lot of the time but we had to let her know she doesn't have the authority to discipline. :) At least I know when they play if something goes awry I can be sure she will let me know. She is a girlie girl, emotional, overly dramatic, and she is becoming a perfectionist and I'm trying to free her from the bonds of that!! A little is good... but you can drive yourself and people around you crazy if you don't put thing in perspective. Speaking to myself here....Here is the facebook link to the pics, don't have to have an account to view these, I messed up the first time but corrected it a few posts ago.In other random news... I haven't had an anxeity attack for... it will be 4 weeks if I can make it to the weekend, so praise God for that, it's been wonderful!!!!I don't know if I posted this already but Christian has pee peed on the potty twice in the past month, the latest, last night. Baby steps. :) I have tons of left over girl pull ups and put him in some today, it looked so wrong lol and had him try throughout the day but I seem to have him try after he goes or probably right before....we'll see how it goes this week and maybe put it off if it just doesn't seem to be happening.

Grandpa and Grandma!

Christian had his 2 year old appointment last week and he weighed 22.1 lbs -5% and I am very proud to say...32'' and he is officially back on the growth chart at 5%. Uneventful other than that, she asked me how his talking was and I told her well this morning he said to me,' I can't do it now'. So I think she was ok with his talking progress.... he says everything, and repeats everything, for instance today, he heard Isabelle say stupid and picked up on that right away. That's music to my ears.

I went 3 weeks without an anxiety attack. It was a wonderful break and I knew it wasn't garaunteed to last but I was so thankful for the break. I am reminded that while life changes from good times to hard times that God's faithfulness does not change, nor what He requires of me to remain faithful as well. I keep reminding myself that His strength is made perfect in our weakness and His grace is all suffient. The hard times in our lives are to be a testimony of God's amazing grace sustaining us. I've read a couple blogs of christian women, losing their babies and how God gives strength upon strength and their love for Him is deepened.

I did have a bad attack last Thursday, it's so hard to know why, I think many different things can trigger them. I had coffee in the afternoon which was dumb because I can't handle caffienated coffee. I felt weird and irritable almost right away. I was up all night and usually I can get to sleep by the time Mitch leaves at 6am but I think knowing I had to get up for Christian's apt made it hard for me to settle to sleep, I've never had one not go away, I had to get up and still felt horrible. I was SO thankful my parents were here! My mom watched Isabelle and my dad asked me if I wanted him to go with me. That was so nice. I wanted to cry. I had him check my pulse and it was 108 but it would slow down then go back up, weird. Also what's weird is once the dr was leaving the room and I was getting ready to check out, I could tell it was lifting. It's so weird because two nights later it happened again and Mitch came to bed late and I asked him to pray with me and we just talked about it and he held my hand and it went away by 1 am. I don't get that. Caffiene, blood sugar, hormones, stress, I don't know. I really try not to freak out. I pray, I know what's going on. So all prayers are still welcome! It certainly does keep me running back to the Lord. I will probably know more at the end of the week what I'm going to do after my endo apt.

In other updates, my dad left Sunday morning and we had a great time. I miss my parents so much!! It's hard to not be sad even while with them thinking about how much I'll miss them when they go. Mom is here for the week and she has been a great help with the kids and cooking. And of course now instead of talking to her all day on the phone, I have her in person! She also got to go to our church and she really enjoyed it and is so happy for us to have finally found a good church! She got to meet a few people, including the pastor and his wife. Well I should probably not waste anymore time down here. Mom is up stairs cooking right now and Isabelle is asking to help her as usual! She told me that Papa Bill went back home but he will be back, but.... that makes me sad. Christian woke up today and he heard a vehicle outside and said Gandpa??

The Best of Times in the Worst of Times

I know some of you have been praying for me in my recent bought with anxiety attacks. They started last summer and the first time it happened, I felt the whole range of symptoms, chills, shakiness, dizziness, stomach upset, chest pain, pounding and racing heart, major random thought mind racings. I was up all night the first time wondering what was up and if I was having a heart attack, I seriously debated on waking up Mitch to go the emergency room. They started happening about once a month and would vary in severity. After talking to Mom and coming to the crappy realization that I could be having what my Mom had dealt with for years, I thought " I DON'T WANT THIS" I had just started to feel like myself again after treating my Grave's and life was just starting to feel normal again. I never understood "anxiety" attacks. I thought it must be for weak people that can't handle things, worry, work themselves up and have these attacks. I admit, the past couple years I did dwell more on things, stress about details, was it residual effects on the brain chemical shake up that the Grave's disease had done? Who knows. Eventually I quit worrying when I would get the attacks, most of the time they hit me in the evening or right before falling asleep or they wake me out of sleep. It's like something gets triggered in my brain and sets it off out of the blue. I can have an attack and yet not worry at all. I think they should be renamed for some cases "brain chemical attacks" :) I went to the dr yesterday because they have been happening more frequently and I have a had couple recently that make me feel sick for a couple days afterward. We are going to wait and see what my thyroid tests say and what my endocrinologist says April 16 and go from there. I had to remind myself, God knows exactly to the detail what's going on the cells of my body, the neurons in my brain, He IS science, it's His, and no one knows it better. I forget that. So that's the update there, but what is the real update?

What God has been teaching me through this.
I had always had a very firm grasp on God's sovereignty, it was so easy for me to leave everything to Him. But what He is showing me lately is His faithfulness, His goodness, His compassion and love for me. I know He will give me His strength to get through what is before me and it makes every little good thing and times of relief that much more precious. I think sometimes as Christians we think " I want to serve God... THIS way" Your sort of have preconceived notions about what serving God means. The Lord sometimes has other ideas, He wants us to serve Him right where He has us, he wants us to be thankful and content and respond Christlike to our everyday aggravations. I think serving the Lord starts there. At least for me right now, being faithful in my thoughts and outlook. I was reading on one of my facebook friends favorite quotes by John Piper something to the effect of, Sin is what we do when we are not satisfied with God. That was very convicting for me. Everything little sinful attitude, unthankfulness, whatever, is telling God, you're just not enough, your way is not enough. Another thing that really struck me was from The Excellent Wife book. In regards to idols, that something is an idol if you have to sin to get it or you sin if you don't get it. That book has been hitting me all over the place! Talking about anger, bitterness, loving your husband self sacrificially, mutual sanctification in the husband and wife and loving your husband enough to hold him accountable, receiving reproof with a godly attitude, being THANKFUL. Others have and are going through so much worse than I am and there is so much to be thankful for. I have so much I would love to keep writing and scriptures but I fear rabbit trailing and breaking some longest blog entry record or something! The scripture that says, when I am weak then I am strong, and His strength is made perfect in our weakness rings so true for me. When I'm reduced to a helpless lump He gives grace that is sufficient and HE IS FAITHFUL, there for us to draw His strength from. 1cor 10:13. Rom 8:28, phil 1:6

phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always again I say rejoice!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Thou outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 cor. 4:16-18

For whom the Lord loves He disciplines ...Now no discipline seems to be joyful for the present, but grievous; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:6 &10 And I'll end on some scripture featured at the end of the Excellent Wife that is so precious to me now!

Whom have I in heaven but Thee? And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For, behold . those who are far from Thee will perish; Thou hast destroyed all those who are unfaithful to Thee. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, That I may tell of all Thy works. Psalm 73:25-28